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August 24, 2006
Prank Calls 101
Dear 11 year old boy with undecended testicles and no pubes who decided to attempt to prank call me at 2:15am last night:
First of all, wow, how retro of you! Random number prank calls are something my generation found mildly entertaining because, well, we didn't have video games or computers. Once we got those things, prank calling random numbers kind of lost its appeal. Perhaps your family is poor like Kenny's and you don't have video games or a computer? I digress.
The fact that this sort of thing just isn't done these days, shone through bright and clear. Sadly, that was the only thing that came through bright and clear. Your efforts were feeble at best, but I'm here to help. Please reference the ground rules for future prank calls.
1.) Commit to your actions and speak LOUDLY and CLEARLY. The second most pathetic thing about your call was the fact that I had to ask you to repeat your schtick no less than three times! Note: if your mom is in the room, perhaps it's not the best time or place to be making prank calls.
2.) Deliver content that is somewhat believable. Smutty content coming from an 11 year old just doesn't fly. When you asked me "How many times do you have sex a day?" all I could think of was 'Does this kid think he called Dr. Drew and LoveLine?' Save the creepy sex stuff for the pathetic old men who know how to heavy breathe into the phone. Given your apparent age and lack of testosterone, stick with funny content, ala Bart Simpson's prank calls to Moe.
3.) Stick to weekends. Waking me up at 2:15am on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning with a lame, poorly delivered prank call is just not cool. I realize that you're probably bitter about the fact that summer's almost over and in a few short days you're going to have to go back to school, but guess what? Sucks to be you. The rest of the world does not care :) Which brings me to my next point:
4.) Be respectful. You know you're being a brat. I know you're being a brat. When I call you out for your rudeness at waking me up pretty much on a work night, have the decency to man up and apologize. Your utterly lame retort of "Yeah, and I don't care!" was so kindergarten playground of you.
5.) Prank calling is a form of harassment and is technically a crime. Realize that although you feel you were quite clever in *67'ing your number before calling me, given the fact that you called my cell phone, it would be relatively easy to have you tracked down. Though, I guess you wouldn't know that, not having video games or a computer and all.
6.) You only get one shot. Listen to Eminem -- prank calls are once in a lifetime. Calling me back three times clearly violates ground rule #4, and dramatically increases your chances of getting caught, see ground rule #5. You fucked up this call; get over it and move on to the next number.
Hope this helps!
Sincerely,
The old lady whose time you wasted.
Posted by jodikins at August 24, 2006 7:09 AM