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March 16, 2006
Whitman, friendship, and life
Yesterday I got a very bizarre email from the boyfriend of the LifeSuckingForce. I normally would not do this, but it's really essential to the post to have a frame of reference. Here's the text of that email, names redacted to protect the, umm, insane.
From: boyfriend of lifesuckingforce To: my work email address Subject: LIfeSucking Force Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2006 15:42:46 -0500Jodi,
If you're even reading this, which is far more credit than I would give you, there is one thing you need to be clear on before you read on: This is not about you. This is about LIfeSuckingForce.
LIfeSuckingForce asked me to write you an e-mail. She believes you are her friend. She wants to talk to you, she wants to share with you, she misses having you in her life.
I don't know why. But this isn't about me. So don't let any feelings about me get in the way. If you don't care about me or what I think that's even better. If you dislike me, let it go. This is about LIfeSuckingForce.
As I said, LifeSuckingForce believes you are her friend. So you need to ask yourself if truly are her friend. She wants you to keep being her friend (I don't know why but that is a separate issue). She sees some value in sharing with you. LifeSuckingForce asked me to write you to express this, to get your attention so you would write her back.
Now, you need to ask yourself if you want to be her friend. Not her mother, not her supervisor but her FRIEND. A friend is someone who offers advice, not shove their opinion down your throat. A friend is supportive but not judgmental. A friend is someone you talk to, someone you turn to for consultation not someone you dread.
So that's your question. Do you want to be her friend Jodi? LifeSuckingForce is waiting to hear from you.
Best,
Boyfriend
Boyfriend of LifeSuckingForce
blahblahblah@blah.com
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Considering that I have not responded to numerous emails dating back to November, I'd have to say that the friendship is, and has been over for quite some time. That's the obvious answer. Boundary violations like this are exactly why it's over, but that's not really what I wanted to write about today.
What is the nature of friendship? Back before all this computer crap, I was a huge Lit geek. One of the most profoundly affecting works I've ever read is Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman. While I'm a little less hippie now than I was in my teens, I still strongly believe in the whole concept of Transcendentalism with regards to friendship. Stanza 48 in Leaves of Grass contains one of the more often quoted lines: "Long enough have you dream'd contemptible dreams;" but really the whole stanza sums up how I like to treat and think of friendship.
Whitman writes "Not I -- not anyone else, can travel that road for you,// You must travel it for yourself." We are each the sum of our actions and interactions we've had from birth until now. While I share experiences with my friends, there's no guarantee that we'll always be able to do that.
"You are also asking me questions, and I hear you;// I answer that I cannot answer -- you must find out for yourself." I guess that's what bothers me most about the way that LifeSuckingForce is acting now. While I strongly believe in what I know to be right and moral and just, I don't expect others to live by the exact same code that I do. I'll tell you if I don't agree with you, but mine is the only life I have to live.
And here is what I had hoped she'd gained from knowing me:
"Long have you timidly waded, holding a plank by the shore;
Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,
To jump off in the midst of the sea, rise again, nod to me, shout, and laughingly dash with your hair."
Life is a long journey, and you really can't know the impact you'll have on the lives of others. And yes, friendships end and fall by the wayside. The greatest tribute to friendship is to appreciate the lessons learned and the wisdom gained through knowing another person. Each life and each journey is ours alone. People can choose to walk that path with us for a day, a week, a year, or a lifetime. But in the end, that is their choice, which is dictated by their journey.
With LifeSuckingForce, it was time for our paths to diverge. And they did.
Posted by jodikins at March 16, 2006 7:00 AM