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October 29, 2005
The Unmistakable Chirp
This evening as we were leaving to go to Fred Meyer, I told Richard that the building across from us has a smoke detector going out. Having been a faithful Loveline listener for years, I know the unmistakable chirp that a smoke detector makes when it's battery is dying. I noticed it first a few days ago while I was walking the dog, but figured someone else would notice it and actually know where it was coming from and report it to maintenance.
As we were coming back from Fred Meyer I told Richard to turn down the radio and roll down the windows to see if he could hear it. We turn the corner, and there's a massive ladder truck and a fire marshall's truck right in front of the building. Woops. Didn't appear to be a fire at all (and the batteries shouldn't have died in a few days), so I'm wondering if someone called it into 911 freaked out about the chirping :)
Posted by jodikins at 9:13 PM | Comments (0)
October 28, 2005
Shopping and insomnia
Got the whole permit thing taken care of, just waiting for the permanent one to arrive in the mail next week. Went shopping with Leslie up to a very nice outlet mall and came away with a beautiful blue topaz star necklace to match my earrings, an aubergine/deep purple classic city bag from the Coach outlet store, some cute black suede loafers from Clarks, and crappy fudge from The Fudgery (word to the wise, if it looks like it's been sitting there for ages, it probably has). After that we went to Belle Square and I also picked up some small diamond studs at Helzberg, and the last crap I'll ever buy from Lush. Lots of shopping but everything came to about $400 (yay for sales and discounts). Richard approved of the purchases and thought everything looked very nice :)
I'm still having problems sleeping. If I don't get 6 solid hours, I wind up feeling like crap and constantly craving a nap. If I end up giving into the nap, I'll sleep for 2.5 to 3 hours, which totally sucks away the day. Bleh.
Posted by jodikins at 8:17 AM | Comments (0)
October 25, 2005
Can't sleep
Clowns will eat me. Damn clowns. Soooo, I took a kind of mental health day today. I know I was supposed to be cleaning and getting the house in order for Richard's grand arrival home tomorrow night (now today I guess). But, I really needed it. It's been a long time since I could just get lost in my music and sing along and just kind of chill. Finally Leslie coaxed me out of my little nest, and we went out to get really excellent Chinese food from Twin Dragon in Duvall. I had General Tsao's chicken with white meat, but I think next time I'll try to get them to just spice up some chicken with broccoli -- I'm not into all that sugar anymore. And oh my god, the crab rangoon was just amazing -- actually crabby and not just an excuse to eat deepfried cream cheese :)
Then we all came back here and investigated the media center and wtf is wrong with it. Adam did a bunch of stuff while we watched and nodded and smiled. Seems to be doing better -- a large part of the problem apparently is the usb keyboard we were trying to use. Ultimately we probably need to swap out the case, but it's a huge clusterfuck right now.
Tomorrow is the DOL to get my permit changed to Washington. I read the whole book from cover to cover so the test should go fine, as long as I can figure out how to get to sleep. I had some leftover chinese food, some hot minty tea, but I'm still not feeling particularly tired. I tried calling Richard but it went to VM. Hopefully he doesn't stay out too late tonight, since he has a presentation at 11am.
Funny quote of the night... Adam needed my keyboard (wireless keyboard mouse combo) because it had a PS2 connector. So I went over to my mess of a desk and I turned the keyboard on end and started tapping and shaking it against the desk. Leslie calls over and says, "What are you doing?" I said, "Well, you know how on CSI they always talk about epithelials? (pause) I'm getting rid of the epithelials"
Back to trying to get to sleep. I went upstairs at 10:30 and grabbed the DOL manual that I needed to read, finished that around midnight, and couldn't sleep.
Posted by jodikins at 1:18 AM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2005
Lost
I can't say that much progress has been made on the house or on anything else here. I've been stumbling along things from a time pretty much forgotten. Last night it was the poems, today I unpacked a box and found about 30 cds that had been forgotten. I pulled the guts and the discs from the jewel cases and trashed them. Then I ripped what I could. Some were old old mix cds that Leslie had made for me. One was the cd that Ray burned for me... of all my personal stuff from my Miningco laptop... when I was leaving for Globalcenter. It was bizarre going through that stuff. Old mirc logs too.. from like 1997. Old web pages I'd done. More copies of the poems.
Posted by jodikins at 10:29 PM | Comments (0)
Should
Should
so much that I always get told
who I should be
who I should see
who I should fuck
take care of him
don't hurt him
don't hurt yourself
makes me wonder why
anyone thinks they know so much about me
I don't even know myself half the time
A million questions
A handful of answers
always seeming to trickle in
too late
november 4, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:10 AM | Comments (0)
Cuddlefish
Cuddlefish
the undulations, the curves, the lines
time didn't exist as we talked
in the moment
you called it a cuddlefish
the misspelling making it more real
more vivid
as it described what you wanted to do
to the fish
to the curves
mesmerizing flow to the movement
perpetual and eternal
gentle and rhythmic
slowly listening to the thoughts
waves lapping at the shore of my consciousness
like you always do
morning breaks
I'm still in the vision
and I wonder if I dreamt it
the curves
the flow
the moment
-- october 22, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:10 AM | Comments (0)
Poetry
Poetry
I like my poems
Because they are scary
I'm amazed that my rambling mind is capable of
being so succinct
Poetry is fun
For it's shock value
For it's lack of explanation
For it's simplistic existence
Sometimes I wonder why I use three's so often
If it's some subconscious association with death
And knowing that as soon as the words
hit the page
the feeling in me is dead.
october 10, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:09 AM | Comments (0)
Nothing
Nothing
What now?
Life goes on...
I don't know what now, only that I will do what I have done...
Mindless occupations
Meaningless pursuits
I will work on web pages of nothing to no one
Pretend it's the meaning of life
Comfort in purposeful action
In the face of an emotional abyss
october 10, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:08 AM | Comments (0)
Rock
Rock
crying out to the rock I cling to
in pain
confusion
disbelief
feeble lines of wishes and wants
wonders and worries
typed mindlessly by numb fingers
at 10am
not seeking answers -- there are none
sharing weakness with the rock
who could crush me
or turn me away
the rock is silent -- there's nothing to say
knowing the only truths I'll ever learn
are the ones I find
myself
silence isn't gelid -- the rock is warm
showing caring and loyalty
giving whatever I need
without hesitation
letting me cling -- the rock is generous
wondering what the rock feels and thinks
of my weakness
and my grasp
the rock is there for me -- but not for me alone
offering strength and comfort in silence
not always what I want
but what I need
october 6, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:08 AM | Comments (0)
Evolution
Evolution
pensive moments
listening to angry chick rock
bassline drumming through my skull
comforting throbs knocking on my eardrums
Indian summer afternoons do this to me
now it's evening
and cold
sitting on the sofa, cross-legged
feet tucked under me
elbows on my knees
makes me feel small
listening to angry chick rock
hearing parts of myself
mingling with my own voice
scrawled on the paper
this is who I am
young, too young
quiet, too quiet
passive, too passive
wanting to be mature
and bold
and self assured
here I wait
growing older as the picture clears
hoping I won't lose these parts of myself
in the transformation
in the evolution
in the progression
remembering faith that never left
remembering trust, shaken but alive
remembering wonder, joy, and amazement
this is who I am
october 1, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:07 AM | Comments (0)
Tempered
Tempered
desire is tempered by time
or flamed by longing
wanting
to touch the corners of your smile
to feel the breath of your sigh
to watch the sparkle of your eyes
to hear the murmur of your voice
telling
the lies that bind you
the truth that holds you
the passion that drives you
the pain that cuts you
knowing
your desires unexpressed
your hopes unspoken
your darkness unmasked
your soul unveiled
flamed by longing
desire is not tempered by time
september 29, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:07 AM | Comments (0)
Stone
Stone
Flesh from a rock.
Curves, indentations, sinews all captured in stone.
Smooth perfection.
I want to touch it and feel the beauty.
Staring in complete awe of the skill and vision needed
to create human forms from a slab of marble.
Pluto's strong hands.
Veins and muscles straining
against the skin of his arms as he struggles to hold Proserpina.
The curve of Proserpina's breast.
The bulge of her hip.
The bend of her knee.
Her flesh yielding to Pluto's tenacious grasp.
Erotic as human flesh is reproduced in stone.
Violent as the act it depicts.
Mesmerizing as the space between art and reality.
Intimate knowledge of the rock allows perfection
to be chiseled , chipped, filed, and polished from it.
Vision , to see bodies in stone.
Dexterity, to hammer bodies from stone.
Patience, to persist with the dream,
with the idea of what can be created.
Skills that I will never possess.
Skills that I envy and admire.
Passion for the vision.
Passion for creation.
Passion for perfection.
august 26, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:06 AM | Comments (0)
Spark
spark
watching you breathe in the dark
sheets tangled low
bare skin's rise and fall
steadily
I see it
eclectic electric
vitality
closing my eyes and breathing deep
filling my lungs
with your essence
sweetness
I smell it
eclectic electric
vitality
touching your skin so softly
tracing from your hip
to your shoulder
to your lips
I feel it
eclectic electric
vitality
stirring from your slumber
gentle smile spreading
light moan ripples your chest
eyes closed
I hear it
eclectic electric
vitality
lifting your head from the pillow
sliding your arm around my shoulders
to the back of my neck
lips meeting
I taste it
eclectic electric
vitality
shimmering glow to your eyes
magnetic pull to your body
sliding closer
to you
I want it
eclectic electric
vitality
I see it
I smell it
I feel it
I hear it
I taste it
I want it
eclectic electric
vitality
I see you
I smell you
I feel you
I hear you
I taste you
I want you
eclectic electric
vitality
august 11, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:05 AM | Comments (0)
Slip
slip
life slipping beyond the edge
time stopping between the living
and the dead
pain searing through the flesh
fleeting glimpses trailing by
slipping out of reach
enter
exit
lost
opportunities eroding
falling away
lives stalled
pain suspended
fear excited
fading into oblivion
disappearing in the flow
lost in the current
drowning in the ocean
invisible
unnoticed
neglected
rejected
longing for a sound
mellifluous
melodious
ringing through my ears
memories of cherished times
july 3, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:05 AM | Comments (0)
Fade
fade
ostracized
minimized
violated
exorcised
eliminated
erased
syllables echo
thoughts drift
words flow
time passes
wounds heal
scars form
leaves fall silently
hearts beat quietly
words chant rhythmically
stars sparkle brightly
blood flows warmly
night falls peacefully
water cascading over rocks
sunlight filtering through trees
air flowing over beaches
fire burning through forests
darkness settling over valleys
life continuing through adversity
july 3, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:04 AM | Comments (0)
Gray
Gray
Listening to the rain
striking the windowpanes ,
dim shadows falling
around the room
comfort of sleep
beckoning yet again.
Succumbing to the warmth
of the blanket
slipping back
into reverie
images flowing
through my thoughts.
- may 10, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:03 AM | Comments (0)
Glance
glance
eyes scanning the sidewalk
walking the path of my life
mundane steps
jaded life
hopeless
watching faces pass by
none registering
until you
your stride , purposeful and confident
your eyes, alive and penetrating
making me turn away from the vitality
eyes drawn back
as we draw closer
needing to capture the image
holding it
in my memory
april 11, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:01 AM | Comments (0)
Night
night
we rule the night
and are owned by the night
mesmerized by stars
captured by dreams
swept away by promises of the dawn
blanketed by darkness
enveloped in the stillness
we contemplate existence
and are protected by the night
april 2, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:00 AM | Comments (0)
Farewell
farewell
the day I never imagined is near
clouds darken
hearts break
ending
leaving a world you built
with us
rain falls
tears flow
goodbye
lessons you taught living on
through us
sun shines
smiles spread
continuum
january 24, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 9:00 AM | Comments (0)
Silence
Silence
listening to thoughts in my head
screaming
whispering
crying
wondering what it all means
life passing by noiselessly
laughing
cooing
sighing
wondering what it all means
world lying beyond my hearing
breathing
growing
living
wondering what it all means
january 17, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 8:59 AM | Comments (0)
Voices
Voices
sink or swim .... welcome to the bottom
slime covering the glow once found
radiating from the form
obscuring life force
rotting as body drowns
stiffling pressure choking the soul
lost under the burden
voices distorted
screaming through the water
worthless dreams
leave or stay .... what's the difference
outcome is the same
crash and burn
consuming all potential
wasted life
january 8, 1996
Posted by jodikins at 8:58 AM | Comments (0)
Heal
Heal
Beyond the darkness of the soul
Lies the light of rebirth
Fire of a phoenix
Cleansing consciousness
Clarity rises from the depths
Clouds lifting
Luminating the living
Again
Color filters through newborn eyes
Shadows moving
Flickering images
Sight
Through the revelation of the truth
Pulses the knowledge of self
Fire of a phoenix
Healing conflagration
december 19, 1995
Posted by jodikins at 8:57 AM | Comments (0)
Glass
Glass
shards cutting through wounds i thought were healed
searing pain as tender flesh parts again
ghosts haunting the heart
feeding on the soul
light flashes
bringing only darkness
cold
numb
alone
december 18, 1995
Posted by jodikins at 8:56 AM | Comments (0)
All
All
All around are complicated complicationsLife passing by , never comprehending
Nothing's clear but it's clear enough to be thereSwirling near enough
Hovering closeBut still beyond
Still out of reachStraining to grasp
Hoping to holdThe knowledge of life
The bible of thoughtThe lexicon of unlimited potential
The dictionary of all that isBeginning of life
The start of the startEnding of life
The start of the nextBeyond horizons of the body
Past the skies of the mindInto Infinity
Out of affinityFor the power and strength
For the everlasting truthHappiness in knowing
Content in omnipotenceJoyous omniscience
Overwhelming omnipresenceSlipping through fingers too weak to hold
Burning skin too soft to withstandFiery heat radiating from the source
Cooling sensation as my bones are revealedStripping flesh from anima
I begin to leave this decaying thing I no longer needSoul drifting , flowing into the power
I leave my form, entering everythingBecoming everything , knowing everything , seeing everything
I am you, I am he, I am they and I am we"I" leaves consciousness
no name, no pronoun, no descriptionyet existing
here
december 17, 1995
composed with Dave Gregory
Posted by jodikins at 8:44 AM | Comments (0)
Box
Box
I used to think I had
a place.
I allowed myself to think I could
create a place for myself.
I deluded myself into thinking I could
make myself valuable.
I did not.
I have not.
I cannot.
My efforts are in vain.
My drive to fit in has failed.
I am an outsider
trapped
within a system,
within a structure,
within a hierarchy.
No way out of the box.
No way to stop
the walls
from shrinking,
from squeezing,
from crushing.
All that I have done.
All that I have been.
All that I am.
october 23, 1995
Posted by jodikins at 8:43 AM | Comments (0)
Is...
Is...
Love is a dream,
a figment of imagination
to keep us from dealing with
reality.
Pain comes from that
neverending realization;
accept the truth
and pain disappears
forever.
But I am weak.
I don't have
the strength to accept
reality.
I make it worse on myself
believing in humanity,
believing in good and evil,
believing in God,
believing the world can be right.
All of that is love.
The world is.
Life is.
The strong know these two facts;
the strong resist adding to the sentences;
the strong refrain from describing,
quantifying,
comparing.
The strong are comfortable
with Is.
september 12, 1995
Posted by jodikins at 8:42 AM | Comments (0)
Letters
Letters
Ribbons
Binding the remains
of our relationship
Bundles
Chronicling a lifetime
of ink-stained paper
Shackles
Choking the soul
of my new-found self
Matches
Freeing my mind
of tainted memories
august 13, 1994
Posted by jodikins at 8:40 AM | Comments (0)
The Wayback Machine
Last night I was talking to Sarah, and one of my old poems popped into my head. I'd long ago lost all copies of it (computer crashes, moving, etc). I tried to think of who might still have copies, and Chris wasn't online. So I decided to try the archive.org's wayback machine. Holy crap they had my poems! I was able to snag all of the ones I'd ever posted, and wow. Not all of the poems are the best, but it was fascinating how much emotion they still brought up. I could remember the moments that they were written like it was yesterday, and yet, it's worlds away from where I am now in life.
When I get a chance, I'll post them here.
Posted by jodikins at 8:28 AM | Comments (0)
October 21, 2005
Yay!
Just got back from dinner out with Leslie and Adam -- had a great time at Las Margaritas. Food was very good and it was great seeing them again. Life's been so busy that we haven't gotten together in forever. I gave Leslie the FSM car thingy and she loved it, yay!
I'm doing laundry now for Richard's trip tomorrow. We're perpetually behind on things like this, but someday maybe we'll dig ourselves out of it :) I'll focus on cleaning once he leaves so that we can have more people over. His friend Matt wants to come hang when Richard gets back from LA, so that will be cool.
Tonight I'd like to finish reading Blink, and maybe unearth The Tipping Point again.
Posted by jodikins at 7:17 PM | Comments (0)
October 18, 2005
The new QFC
Pros: 1 mile away from home
Open 24 hours
Almost Wegman's like selection of items
Cons: No cilantro (proof that ethnic people just are not around here)
Weird checkout system -- like Trader Joe's, which really only works when you have a Trader Joe's sized cart
Skimpy meat selection -- didn't have Ground Turkey Breast no skin
If something's not on sale (blessed be the loss-leader specials), it's expensive... sometimes by a buck or more
I do love shopping there, but virtually everyone who knows me, knows of my unquenchable lust for cilantro. Finding only one leaf in the "weird leafy herbs" section was quite a sad moment.
Posted by jodikins at 2:15 AM | Comments (0)
Catching up
Hrm, well I could recap the past week or two, but I'm pretty sure I don't remember all of it :) Sarah's visit was excellent -- she's totally come into her own since the breakup, and she's already well on her way to happiness. Unfortunately it doesn't look like that happiness is going to lead her out here in the near term, but I'm absolutely ecstatic about her happiness out there, yay!
Fall has been happening around us... leaves are changing and falling, the days are gray, but it's still comfortable and peaceful. It was nice seeing Seattle, though it's really hard to believe that it's only 15 miles from here. Still a beautiful city, full of lots of fun activities.
Richard's off to NANOG in LA this weekend, and I still feel no need to travel anywhere :) We are thinking of doing the peering cruise in March though, still waiting for word back on the logistics of that. I'll probably still not want to leave, but I've never been on a cruise before and I love love love being on the water.
In slightly sucky news, I tweaked my knee and it hurts a lot. Trying to rest it and give it plenty of aleve and icy hot.
Posted by jodikins at 12:52 AM | Comments (0)
October 8, 2005
Firefox
Fucking puked and ate my beautiful unpublished entry. Grrr. SO! I've been cleaning and putting stuff away in preparation for Sarah's arrival tomorrow. We'll do dinner tomorrow night, Seattle on Sunday, and chill and drive around on Monday, and she goes home Monday night. Wheeee.
Pissed off the neighbors because the sub isn't calibrated properly. Whoops, apologized and turned it down to off for now. Richard can work on it tomorrow.
I've got the cleaning plan for tomorrow morning. I need to figure out what i'm going to wear to dinner tomorrow night. Business casual, so I can wear those Lane Bryant pants. Need to pull shoes out too and figure out parking and directions and stuff. But that can wait until tomorrow.
Posted by jodikins at 1:24 AM | Comments (0)
October 6, 2005
Silence
I was walking the dog last night before bed -- around 2am. Opened the door and got out onto the street and I noticed that it was completely silent. No wind, no traffic, no people, no animals, just a complete stillness. Any other place and a moment like that would make me uneasy. Cupertino, right after 9/11, with no planes flying and the world paused. Ashburn, during the sniper panic, no cars running on 267 or on the streets. But here, the silence, the stillness, seems natural. This is how it's supposed to be. We are the trespassers; we are what's out of place.
Posted by jodikins at 11:19 AM | Comments (0)
October 1, 2005
Fall in the rain forest
I haven't felt like updating much lately, been working a lot. Fall is definitely here; rain has started to set in, and it's definitely colder. It's a very Bay Area/San Francisco kind of cold -- the dampness goes through whatever you're wearing and straight through to your bones. I guess all that grunge layering wasn't just a fashion statement :)
It's still beautiful here, and we're still unpacking and settling in. This weekend we want to make a big push for getting a bit more unpacked and put away since Sarah will be here next Saturday. Things aren't that bad now, but I'd still like to pretty things up a bit. Mostly everything is set up -- bathroom is all outfitted, just need to move the cat things into our bathroom, and the couch is ready. I just need to tear through the kitchen and figure out where I'm putting all the utensils and then pack up the coffee maker, and unpack the mixer, etc.
In other news, we had some high winds the other day, and this apparently downed quite a bit of things in the trail area behind our place. This morning Gbic and I found a 10 inch tree blocking the very end of the path. It was cute watching her trying to jump over it though. I still love the walks and although the apartment management people here are so incredibly flakey, I'm still really glad we moved out here to Redmond Ridge.
Posted by jodikins at 9:37 AM | Comments (0)