December 2008 Archives

It's been an eventful year to say the least, and a mixed bag of blessings to be sure. This year I quit a job that was driving me insane, planted a garden, met new friends, went to the doctor for the first time in years (and kept going), had transfusions, got cancer, got anemia, and despite it all, I feel better this year than last. I lost a friend, and gained some perspective. I learned a lot about hope, which was such a buzzword in politics this year, but took on new meaning when I started confronting my health problems. I took a class and found I have the skills to be a leader. I began a business plan for the next phase of my life. I've continued working on making a better life for Richard and me at home. I rediscovered the power of giving, and small acts of appreciation. I learned the love and power of family, near and far. I have seen the strength of my friendships, and have seen the depths of my weaknesses.

I've got a lot to work on in 2009. Kicking cancer's ass is job #1, but I also need to work on becoming a better person: physically, mentally, and emotionally. Eating better, exercising, learning and practicing more compassion and loving kindness. There's a lot to do, but for the first time in a very long time, I actually feel energized about life.

I wish the best to all my friends and family; I mean it when I say that I love you all, and my life would be grim without you. Thank you for sticking by me through difficult times, and when I'm being a difficult person :)

And to Richard, who I'm sure never even reads this, I could not have found a better person to spend my life with than you. Your compassion and patience have been lessons to me, and I hope to continue to learn from you for decades to come. I love you more and more each day.

Well, the floodwaters completely receded by morning, so that's a good thing. The sump pump is still running all day and night (cycling on and off but just enough for the pit to fill) but everything looks dry. Today was Peapod, and cooking, and playing Fable2 on the xbox. I seem to have picked up the bug that Richard has/had, so I was taking it easy today. Tomorrow I need to mail packages, and take my unflavored fifth of Megace back to Walgreens and get them to fix it. I don't care if I have to pay the $2.99 for the bubblegum flavoring again, the thought of sucking down two teaspoons of that nastiness for the next 3 months is just yucky.

I miss having my parents around :) It was nice to hear that they got home okay, and that they enjoyed the visit.

And in Fable2 news... technically I finished the game, at least one ending of it. I have to say that it was kind of a let down in the end. I'm glad I played it, but I don't know how much longer I'll continue in the game. Towards the end, it got repetitive and tedious.

Tomorrow, it looks like beef stroganoff, noodles, peas, and a nice apple crisp for dessert. I'm waiting for my plantains to ripen before doing the jerk pork and rice and beans. I have so many meals planned and in the pipe... I hope they freeze well.

After sub-arctic temperatures and a ton of snow and ice, we got a huge warm up yesterday and today. This is great for anyone who doesn't own a house, lovely weather, yay! Unfortunately, we own a house, so the morning was spent making sure the sump pump was running, and surveying the flooding around the house, and wondering how much higher it was going to go. It was kind of annoying that even though I was the only one in the neighborhood who bothered to shovel out the storm drain, we still got a ton of flooding into the driveway. That was nothing compared to the backyard. On the other side of our fence by our big ash tree, is a large storm grate. This has been gushing water like a geyser all day. Here are my crappy pictures of the flooding. Richard also has a very dark YouTube video of the geyser storm grate.

My parents got out early and their flight was delayed a bit, but they're now home safely. I don't have all the Christmas pics up yet, but we do have some nice food porn available. Enjoy :)

Christmas was wonderful. My parents appreciated the presents and loved the meal. I think I got more compliments on food from my dad in the past week, than I had in the many years I lived with them. It was nice to have a visit that was so dramatically different from last month, and it was weird realizing how sick I was from the anemia at that point and before.

My parents are leaving tomorrow morning; a car will be here to pick them up at 10am. I'll really miss having them around... it's nice having people to cook for, and my mom was great at lending a hand in the kitchen with clean up, etc. I'm sure they'll be happy to be home, though maybe not when they see how much snow they have to shovel.

I still have pictures to upload, but I can't seem to find the little cable for that. I'm sure it will turn up soon and we'll be on our way. In other news things have been relatively quiet. I'm still chugging away with my medications, and feeling better. There's a bit of post-holiday let down emotionally, but nothing too terrible. It's still a long road for me, and while I'm still hopeful, there's still an element of fear and uncertainty that's harder to deal with some days than other days. It's just a matter of keeping busy and keep moving forward.

(Leslie will like the title of this post more than anyone else :) I still haven't taken all the pictures or uploaded them -- sorry I'm slacking! But, we're in the home stretch for the big day tomorrow, and I have to say, I'm even ahead of schedule. We have all tired of cookies, but I made hickory nut cake last night and made the caramel hickory nut icing today, and we were all in heaven. It really tastes like my grandmother's cake and it's lovely to have her spirit with us for the holidays.

The turkey is all tucked into its brine, awaiting roasting tomorrow. I measured out pans so that I can get the ham and the turkey in the bottom oven at the same time, and the stuffing in the upper oven. I'll have a final timeline by the time we go to bed tonight. It will be an awesome dinner.

This morning I got up and shoveled the inch of slush from the sidewalk and a swath down the driveway so that packages could be delivered. Then I butchered the eye of round -- it was a 5.13 lb roast, and I ended up with 4lbs of usable meat once I cut the fat cap off and all the silverskin. I ground all of that up and made sloppy jodi's for lunch. Everyone loved it, and I have tons and tons to freeze. We've done a great job at using up the leftovers, so there should be room in the fridge for all of tomorrow's leftovers.

I made the cranberry relish this afternoon. Tonight I'll chop up onions and celery and parsley for the stuffing tomorrow, and possibly make the deviled eggs (filling at least, and then fill tomorrow). Depending on how late my parents stay up, I might also make cornmeal mush for my mom for breakfast tomorrow. If not, we can do french toast or eggs or something. I still need to wrap presents for everyone and put them under the tree.

It's been a really great season, despite everything else going on, and I hope to share that with all of those near and dear to me.

Yesterday was spent freezing cold, today was spent similarly. Temps have been either below zero or single digits with hefty windchills. We've opted to stay inside and work through the leftovers to make room for the bounty that awaits on Thursday. Peapod gave me a present today. I'd ordered a whole eye of round roast because $2.49/lb was as good or better than the Costco price. I got the roast today, and since it was best used by 12/24, they marked it down to $1.49/lb! 5 pounds of roast for $7.50. I am going to grind up the whole thing tomorrow and make sloppy jodi's and meat sauce for lasagna for the freezer, so I don't care so much about the best used by 12/24.

Since we have the gift pies, I'm going to just make the hickory nut cake tomorrow. That we can freeze the leftovers easily, so a taste for Christmas would be appropriate. I have a ton of surprises for my parents and Richard for Christmas -- hopefully everyone is happy for Christmas.

I took it a little easy today, though I still went out and swept away the snow from the other day. Not particularly strenuous work, but it was just bitter cold. Steak sandwiches were on the agenda for today's lunch. Lots of yummy and wonderfulness was had by all.

And the only other news to report is that my jasmine started blooming today :) Yay! I still need to upload pictures of cookies etc, but I'll work on that tomorrow.

Cookies baked: 2.5 batches. Peanut blossoms are done, as are the cherry winks. I did several trays of sugar cookies but it was getting late and I just didn't feel like rolling the rest of them out tonight. Pictures taken, but I'll upload them sometime tomorrow when I've finished all of them.

We got back to Costco today and I returned the expensive Foodsaver. I also got a ton of other stuff, including newly marked down whole beef tenderloins -- 8.99 a pound is a damn fine price. It was surprisingly not too terrible to navigate, especially on the last Saturday afternoon before Christmas.

After we got back from Costco, I chopped stuff up and put a chicken strata together. We'll have that tomorrow since the bread was very dry and needs time to soak. I'm more tired today, but I didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up at 5am to pee and ended up staying up til 6 for the megace. Then Miss Gbic was barking incessantly this morning.

As if the cookies were not enough junk food, I opened the door this evening to find a package on the doorstep. It bore the scariest sticker ever: Perishable. Oh noooooo! It was two pies from Mom's Apple Pie Company in Sterling, VA, a delightful gift from the sales rep at GX. He's so sweet, one year I was sad that there was no pie, and he has made sure that there has been pie every year since then :)

In other news, I planned out meals for the rest of the week leading up to Christmas. Not much else to report... more snow here, but only 1 to 2 inches expected.

Well, Costco online and UPS fail at predicting when things will be delivered. Yesterday when we were at Costco, I broke down and bought the more expensive version of the FoodSaver that I'd ordered online because the shipping info said that it would be delivered on 12/23. I really wanted to keep cooking stuff through this weekend and get stuff packaged and sealed and frozen. Fortunately I didn't open the more expensive one as Mr. UPS man delivered the cheaper one to me today! Yay! When we return the expensive Foodsaver, we can get more trashbags and ziploc bags.

This morning I started the baked beans, and finished up with some apple corn sticks for a late lunch -- totally yummy, but I need to find a local source for bacon ends. Putting in the full amount of fatty bacon just doesn't work as well. Later I'm going to mix up some cookie doughs and pop them in the fridge for tomorrow. I'll also make up a chicken strata to bake tomorrow after the cookies are done baking. Mom and I also tried to tackle the hideously stained table cloth. 99% of the red velvet crumbs just brushed off no harm, no foul, but the spilled coffee with half and half in it is an absolute bear to remove. I scrubbed Shout over everything we could see, and tossed it in the washer with bleach on the whitest whites cycle, and we'll see what happens.

On the docket cookie-wise: Sugar cookie dough for cookie ornaments, and apricot and cherry foldover cookies, cherry winks, peanut blossoms. Still debating whether or not to go gingerbread. I think I might skip it since I do want to make that hot water orange marmalade gingerbread cake at some point soon.

Lots of stuff I still want to make, and I need to look at a timeline for Christmas since I'd like to brine that 13lb turkey I got at Costco. I want to make a small Italian Love Cake, a hickory nut cake, and um, other stuff I think. Wheee!

After a very trying weekend, with someone who not only invited himself to spend the night but his boyfriend as well. And after said person refused to take no for any answers, and said person ruining a few things. I found out the following Monday morning:

1.) This person has been exaggerating my cancer diagnosis and prognosis GREATLY to many many other people. This bothers me intensely because as horrific a diagnosis as cancer is, I know full well that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. My particular cancer has a 95% cure rate. Many other people, with many different types of cancer, are just not that lucky. It is very important to me that people who care about me understand that. It's not fair to the loved ones of people with cancers that are not as treatable as mine is, to lump me into their categories. Telling people I now have cervical cancer in addition to endometrial cancer is inaccurate and paints a far more dire picture of my chances. Even if this spread to my lungs (WHICH IT HAS NOT), it would still be endometrial adenocarcinoma, grade 1, not lung cancer.

2.) This person has decided that I am disabled. That pisses me off for the same reasons that exaggerating my cancer does. I am not disabled. I am not incapable of doing 99% of tasks. My anemia is rebounding quite well, and I feel better now than I have in months. Those who actually know me (Hi Tim!) understand and can see this. My parents were here a month ago, and seeing me today, they think I'm a bundle of energy, and they can see that the house is significantly cleaner than it was when they were here last.

3.) This person somehow feels entitled to make decisions in my life. I guess this goes hand in hand with being "too disabled" to function. This person has taken it upon himself to solicit other people to be full weekend houseguests, without my knowledge or permission. I wasn't big on having houseguests before I found out about the cancer, and you know what? I'm still not big on them! Certainly not ones who are rude enough to invite themselves. I love having folks over for dinner or to play games, but unless there are extenuating circumstances, or if I simply like your company, then you behave like a normal person with a home, and you go back to it when we are done visiting.

4.) This person spent the majority of the time in my house disrespecting my wishes. It is my house, if I ask you not to do something, I expect you to respect that.

5.) Speaking of disrespect, do not talk shit about my husband not supporting me. You have exactly zero clue as to what goes on in this house, or how we are coping with this. And you know what? You never will.
I wouldn't have tolerated this behavior pre-cancer, and I sure as hell am not tolerating it during cancer.

I have not published this person's latest comments, and I have blocked their known IPs. I have no desire to ever speak to this person again; that is how offended I am.

Now that we have that out of the way, the appointment with oncologist #3 went very well. I have a plan now, I have follow up appointments, and I feel absolutely spectacular. No details for now, but I really feel like I've gotten my life back.

And a special shoutout to WC and her awesome blog -- inspiring and from the heart! Thanks for your kind words of encouragement and support :)

Bedtime for bonzo, lots of cooking on the agenda tomorrow, and hopefully some vacuum sealing and freezing.

Parents arrived last night, and much fun and hilarity has ensued! Again, if anyone wants an update on my oh so delicate condition, please leave a comment and I'll get back to you... *beep*

Since I'm still feeling like my privacy was violated, I've decided to chill on the blog for a bit. If anyone needs or wants an update, leave a comment with your contact info (aim, email or other), and I'll be happy to provide an update.

Merry Christmas!

It was a busy past few days, and right now I'm a bit cranky to be honest. I appreciate the support that everyone has given me throughout this cancer crap, but it's come to my attention that my condition, prognosis, etc has been misstated/exaggerated to several people who I don't know well enough to track down and correct the misconceptions.

Yes, cancer is serious. Yes, cancer sucks. But, I have a highly treatable form of cancer. I am younger than the typical demographic for this cancer (which, believe it or not DOES dramatically increase my chances for knocking this right the hell out of me). And more importantly, I am getting physically stronger each and every day. Tackling the anemia both with the Megace to stop the bleeding, and with the iron supplements three times a day to build hemoglobin, not to mention the fact that I'm really taking care of myself and feeding myself well, has made huge improvements in my life. I have more energy than I've had in 6 months, easily.

Physical is half the battle, but anyone who really knows me understands that while we aren't 100% certain what the deck holds for me physically, there's no question that I have this all under control mentally. I may wobble a bit day to day, but I am one tough motherfucker when it comes to mind over matter. There is no question in my mind that this is an inconvenience. This is not a death sentence; this does not even put me at risk for other forms of cancer. We knock it out now, observe for 5 years and then move on with life once and for all. I am not the first person to have this type of cancer (it's the most common form of reproductive cancer for women). I am not the youngest person to have this type of cancer. Hundreds of thousands of women have had this cancer and this surgery and gone on with life and living, and there's no reason to think, suspect, or fear that I will not be able to do what those women have already done.

If anyone has any questions as to how I'm doing, please ask ME. No one else has the inside line on how I'm doing, what I need, or anything else. Despite my journaling about my experiences here, I still have boundaries and I still expect to maintain some privacy. You don't see my last name on here, you don't have my address; neither of those are important to the documentation of this experience. Feel free to leave a comment with your email address in it or a way to contact you, and I'll get back to you as soon as my busy holiday schedule allows (and won't publish the comment without permission).

Got the results of the pap smear, and it came back positive for the cancer the same as the endo biopsy. I am thinking that this is bad news and potential stage IIB or higher, but I'm just not going to think about it until next Tuesday. It is what it is, and whatever it takes I'm going to beat this and I will survive.

Went shooting with Tim on Sunday, and bought a gun. We get to pick that up tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it's difficult now. The trees should be coming this week and next; we need to get lights for both. We also need to do some more cleaning. Lots to get done. It will be nice having my parents around again next week. We'll see what happens re: surgery etc.

Up early this morning since I have an 8am to 11am peapod delivery. I was going to go back to sleep after the megace at 6am, but I decided that I needed to clean out the fridge first. It was good to triage and make room for new stuff. Had a bit of a weepy night last night; the experience has been overwhelming both from the standpoint of what I'm going through right now and the support I have from people near and dear to me.

Lots to do for Christmas still, I need to make some ornaments and get some lights. I also need to collect and gather my bazillion ornaments I've collected through the years and through this year.

The appointment with Dr. Bergen went fairly well today. She explained the MRI showed that the cancer was definitely in the wall of my uterus and it may be either in Stage 2 (migrating to the cervix), or headed in that direction. If it is stage 2, I'd likely need follow up radiation after surgery. She recommended everything come out, but she was actually going to send me to Dr. Temkin to see if I can get a Da Vinci hysterectomy. She said she knows Dr. Temkin very well and they trained together on the Da Vinci system, but Dr. Bergen referred to herself as a dinosaur and wasn't comfortable doing the Da Vinci stuff. She said Dr. Temkin is awesome though, and that I should see her to see if the Da Vinci is feasible. I hope that it is, just because the recovery time is so much shorter.

I made an appointment with Dr. Temkin for 12/16, the day before my parents get here. I've decided that Christmas will occur this year, and went ahead and ordered two Christmas trees. I'm determined to enjoy things and to do as much as I can to be normal. I booked GBIC for doggie day care and a thorough grooming on that day so I don't have to worry about her (and so she doesn't stink so bad when my parents come). I should also see if I can get some cleaning people in that afternoon or so to get things spiffy.

The good news is that the MRI was reaction-free. It took quite a bit longer than anyone had prepared me for, 2 hours instead of 45 minutes, but the tech was great, and she explained that they do a lot of really deep and detailed scans for the female pelvis to make sure that they can see everything clearly. Other than a severely cramped shoulder from pinning my arms above my head for 2 hours, and a little bit of flashbacks from the weird noises, it wasn't a bad experience. The tech was nice enough to give me a disc of the scan so that I wouldn't have to worry about trying to request it to get second opinions, etc.

Now it's just waiting til tomorrow, to see what the new oncologist says. I'm trying to get myself dialed down though, because I started researching something called the Da Vinci Hysterectomy -- it's a robotic assisted, super laproscopic hysterectomy that is used for cancer, and which carries a 1 or 2 day hospital stay and a 2 to 4 week recovery period, and only 5 dime-sized incisions instead of the big 6 to 10 inch mamajama in my gut. Several problems with this: 1.) I don't know if my specific case would be recommended for this procedure. 2.) It's relatively new, and on some boards I've seen that insurance companies do not always automatically cover it. 3.) Since the robotic machine is so expensive, and since doctors need to have extensive training on it, very few are doing it. There's a doctor in Chicago that's under Aetna, and once we talk with the oncologist tomorrow, I'll ask her if she thinks it might be worth getting that third opinion and maybe going for the Da Vinci instead of a total abdominal hysterectomy... if that's where we're headed. Soooooo, I'm trying not to get my hopes up about the potentially far less invasive procedure, but if I have to go through this, that would be the most awesome present ever.

In other news, I felt well enough to shovel some snow yesterday. It was tiring and it took me 3 trips, but I got a path cleared out to the street so we can get deliveries without anyone slipping and falling. The Costco memory foam bed arrived yesterday, and we unpacked it and slept on it last night. Completely worth the $800 and I'm so glad that I ordered it. Richard slept like a baby, he didn't even snore like normal. Definite bonus. If things go relatively okay tomorrow, then Saturday we're going to go look at guns and stuff with Tim, since our FOID cards finally arrived.

Other than that, I'm just trying to chill out, stay positive, and keep taking care if myself.

Yesterday was better, first of all. I dealt with a lot of the fear and realized that fear isn't going to stop this from happening, so it's a wasted emotion. I went back to the hystersisters site and went through all of the pre-op and post-op tips and started making lists of things that I'll need for recovery. And I went on a shopping spree online getting everything from a raised toilet seat with handles to a bed tray to lots of loose stretchy recovery clothes to gigantic panties (people recommended 1 to 2 sizes bigger post surgery). It was empowering to take charge and to think about how I'm going to get past this and get back to being well. I also realized that I fear surgery and pain more than I fear cancer... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing to be more cavalier about cancer, but maybe that's my strength too. I'm not going to die, and I'm not going to let this infect me or hang over me any longer.

I'm determined to have a good time today, despite the fact that I have the MRI scheduled at 5pm tonight, and the fact that I have had to take prednisone at 4am, 10am and again at 4pm today. Prednisone is nasty nasty nasty tasting, and I am very thankful that Leslie warned me about the taste. I prepared by making some butterscotch pudding last night before bed, and putting it on ice beside the bed so that I had something to eat with the 4am prednisone. Even though I got the pill down on the first try, that aftertaste was something else. I was very glad that I had the pudding :)

This morning I had some split pea soup with the prednisone... I got the pill down faster still this morning, but the taste was still asstastic. Blessed be the power of ham and bacon and smoke flavoring! For some reason I'm really craving mexican food, so maybe tonight after the MRI we'll go out and satisfy that craving if I'm still feeling it.

On another note, I've noticed a trend with the doctors I've been seeing over the past month. The best doctors seem to have the best staff. Dr. Wright and her nurse Kimmie are absolutely wonderful and caring; Dr. Shithead's staff is as cold and crappy and ill-informed as he is. I'm looking forward to seeing Dr. Bergen on Friday... even though I'm prepared to hear that I need a full radical hysterectomy, I would much rather go through that experience with a doctor that realizes that this is a much bigger decision for me at 37 and with no kids than it is for a post menopausal grandma. I'm still coming to grips with all of that, but living and growing old is far more important to me than having biological children. We can adopt, we can do a lot of things when the time is right.

And one last thing, I don't think I have ever felt as loved as I do right now. I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have such great people in my life. Your thoughts and prayers mean more than you could ever know, and for that, I thank you all, and I love you all.